To The Guy Smoking In Front Of Me Outside Coffee Bean


Fuck you.

Seriously, man, fuck you.

I realize that you’re a smoker.  Fine.  I don’t get why asbestos has been outlawed yet people can still smoke inside restaurants in most of the country.  And, yes, I’m very glad that I live in a city that has outlawed smoking indoors so you’re not breaking the law by sitting outside right now smoking your cigarettes.

But why do you need to sit outside this coffee shop – where NO ONE ELSE IS SMOKING – and light up to ruin it for everyone else?  This isn’t a bar.  This isn’t your apartment.  This is a fucking coffee shop.  You’re not even drinking anything!

Outdoor public areas should all be non-smoking because this is bullshit.  I live in Southern California so that I can sit outside on the first day of November and enjoy the weather.  If I wanted to breathe in poisonous air, I could’ve stayed in Michigan and gone to the local Texan.  It’s not like I can’t smell your second-hand smoke simply because we’re outside; that scent doesn’t magically disappear or anything.  When a car passes by that clearly hasn’t passed emissions testing, you can smell that, can’t you?  And what does it smell like?  Right, it smells fucking terrible.  That’s what your cigarette smells like to me and everyone else who isn’t smoking that is sitting around you trying to enjoy the occasional wafts of ocean air that pass by.

But, no.  You sit there and you laugh that guttural, malignant laugh and you suck on that cigarette and blow the smoke high up into the air so that the breeze can really take it and send it to as many victims as possible and then hold the cigarette off to the side so that the burning end can ruin everyone else’s lungs while you give your own a rest.

And then to top it all off, you toss your still-smoldering cigarette butt onto the parking lot asphalt, so that shit can get kicked, pushed, and washed into the gutters and eventually the ocean so that it finally gets absorbed into the ground and nourishes the earth with its bounty of tar, carbon monoxide, rat poison, formaldehyde, ammonia, arsenic, and nicotine.

Fuck you, man.  Seriously, fuck you.

Go inhale your carcinogens somewhere else you gravelly-voiced, yellow-toothed, inconsiderate fuck.



  1. Spoken like a true zealot…
    Its always something isn’t it.
    I understand your plight
    But isn’t that how it starts?
    Next thing you know
    It will be something else you hate
    But it wont be a piece of prose
    It will be a frenzied herd
    Of offended morality
    Claiming truth via the masses
    And a noose

    Good piece though

    • I’ve never received a comment in verse, so for that I thank you. Always nice to see something new.

      I don’t believe I’ve earned the title of zealot from this piece, whatsoever. Perhaps you should read more of my opinions; those are much more deserving of the zealot label than this.

  2. First of all, moving to SoCal for clean air = fail.

    Secondly, the guy you’re ranting about was probably trying to be considerate of those around him by blowing his smoke high in the air (and thus away from them).

    And third, you’re a fucking Nazi. You rant about smokers like they are a great plague, when in truth most of them will show you far more respect than you apparently show them. But hey, it’s cool, enjoy your high horse. Pay no attention to the ridiculously downtrodden minority as you and the rest of the herd trample them yet again.

    • Well, I never said I moved to SoCal specifically for the clean air.

      And, perhaps he was trying to be considerate with his whole blowing the smoke high in the air but that’s just the point: there is no way to be considerate about it. The smoke doesn’t know that it shouldn’t waft over into the noses of those who don’t want to inhale it. More likely than not, he was blowing it up in the air to avoid it getting into the face of the person he was talking to directly; he didn’t care who it hit downwind. Either way, he failed. He didn’t get the smoke away from me.

      (Wow. My first accusation of being a Nazi. Thank you for that. I feel like a real blogger now.)

      Give me a break, Steve. Way to bring a tired, old argument to the table: those poor, discriminated-against smokers!! Boo-fucking-hoo. Cigarettes are deadly. They cause cancer amongst many other diseases and ailments. Cigarettes are a plague. I feel no remorse for smokers. They chose their deadly habit and they have no right to impose that upon me. Smoke all you want, but don’t make me inhale that poison, too.

      • You are not denying your discrimination, you are simply stating that you don’t care.

        Let’s try a little word-replacement: “those poor, discriminated-against gays!! Boo-fucking-hoo. Homosexuality is a sin. It causes AIDS amongst many other diseases and ailments. Being gay is a plague. I feel no remorse for fags. They chose to have buttsex and they have no right to impose that upon me. Take teh cawk all you want, but don’t make me slob that knob, too.”

        Okay that kinda fell apart at the end, but it was still fun. Anyway obvious point is obvious: Being a smoker is really not much different from being gay. It may have been a choice when we were fourteen (or it may not have, depending on the strength of our predisposition), but now that we’re all grownupified it is just a part of who we are. And who we are is a very large minority struggling to get by in a society that despises and oppresses us.

        Of course there is one important difference: Smoking causes cancer. (Well, everything causes cancer, but smoking moreso than most.) Everybody knows this, and as a result most smokers will go out of their way to keep their smoke away from those who don’t want to be around it. While this is not completely effective, the fact remains that the level of carcinogens you are likely exposed to from secondhand smoke is far less than from a hundred other sources.

        But you feel that this is not good enough. You would happily ban smoking most everywhere, and in so doing ban smokers from having a life. And this is why I take issue with your stance. Because to me, your utopia is every bit as oppressive as Orwell’s.

        • Your argument is disgusting and ignorant.

          Smoking is not a right. Plain and simple. Cigarettes are a drug. As we realized just how bad they are for our health, more regulations came down on them. It’s just like any other deadly substance. Asbestos, Agent Orange, Fen-Phen… the list goes on. Cigarettes are just another one of them.

          A public ban on cigarettes is not a discrimination against smokers. My right to my body and my own personal health trumps your choice to smoke cigarettes. It’s not my fault that you’re addicted to cancer-causing drug. You have no right to expose me to a deadly, airborne poison. I can’t walk down the street spraying arsenic and cyanide as I please. And so it should go for cigarettes, cigars, pipes, etc. as well.

          Sorry if “just deal with it” isn’t good enough for me. I don’t want to just deal with it. It’s not my choice. If I wanted to smoke, I’d have chosen to smoke. You chose to smoke. Fine. You’re entitled. But, just as I’m respecting your right to choose, you must respect my right to my body. And I don’t want to be inhaling your carcinogens. You don’t have the right to poison me. And that’s all cigarettes are: poison. You can choose to poison yourself if you want to, but not everyone else.

  3. Haha, oh man. Just go inside or move over a table. What a fucking whiner.

    • Apparently you missed the point of my post: I shouldn’t have to be the one punished and forced inside on a nice day simply because I don’t want to inhale poisonous toxins. Not that it really matters, but I was also sitting down at my table long before this smoker sat down and lit up a cigarette. In no way should I be the one forced to move anywhere.

      Based on your comment, I should avoid smokers, in public places, if I don’t like their disgusting habit as opposed to smokers going off to designated areas. Why do you think smokers should be able to impose their will upon anyone else and force everyone else to bend to their chosen addiction?

  4. dude SHUT THE FUCK UP, the country was BUILT by the men and women whom have SMOKED, people will complain about anything, I mean yeah, the smell may be annoying, but its not like the dude is shitting his pants while standing next to you, your so fucking emo, you should go blog about that, people like you make me sick, and dont bother your rebuttle, I could care less as to what you have to say, how about we ban everything? ban Alchohol, ban aspirin, ban DRUGS, man u should do us all a favor and terminate your account, its pussies like you that are putting the country in the shit hole, everyones too worried about what the joanses are doing, who the fuck cares, how about say something to the next smoker? walk up to him and say I FUCKIN HATE YOUR SMOKING ASS, and see what happens? right you get your ass kicked,

  5. IF YOU CANT SAY SHIT TO THEIR FACE, DONT FUCKIN BLOG ABOUT IT, for fucks sake man, next time you have the urge to blog, just go to walmart and buy some vagisil and everything will be okay

  6. Wow. The time I wasted reading your rant has cost more of my life than secondhand smoke ever will.

  7. Looks like you’ve been SMOKED.

    • Hey Huh-Aronofsky! Glad it didn’t take up so much of your life that you couldn’t comment — twice — on this post.

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