Healthy Living Gone Too Far: The Absurdity of Cleanses12.10.10
Living in Southern California – where some people literally become obsessed with eating healthy – it’s not uncommon to hear people talk about the various different cleanses that they do to rid their body of toxins and essentially control-alt-delete their homeostasis. For the most part, I think that these are infomercial gimmicks at best that do very little at actually achieving their stated goals.
The most common for a while around here was the Master Cleanse. (With a name like that, how could you go wrong?) For those venturing down this road of alternative detoxification, here’s what you do: do not eat anything for the duration of the cleanse except 6-to-12 glasses daily of a truly noxious-sounding elixir of fresh lemons, grade B maple syrup and cayenne pepper.
Yes, you heard it right: lemons, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper will scour clean your insides of those harmful toxins (not exactly which ones, though) and you’ll even lose weight — obviously, since all you’re ingesting is essentially a thick, spicy glass of fruit juice for 10 straight days and taking a daily laxative to make sure all those toxins get truly flushed out.
There will always be disputed evidence as to the effectiveness of these cleanses, but there is nothing truly conclusive that they do anything other than starve you and over-prepare you for a colonoscopy (for those of you trying this soon, do schedule an appointment with your gastroenterologist so you can at least assure yourself of one benefit of this starvation trial).
I’ve heard many different outcomes from this regiment and they all fall into two categories:
I Feel Better
Okay, this is just a value statement that I can’t argue against. If you feel better, that’s great. But feeling fine doesn’t mean that your internal organs are in magical alignment or that there’s nothing wrong with you. You might still have high blood pressure, dangerous levels of cholesterol, and undigested meat in your gut even if you feel like you could jog up Everest without a jacket. Since there’s no specific goal other than getting rid of toxins (now being called “free radicals” to make it sound more scientifically valid despite being especially vague) and also losing weight, which brings me to the second item:
I Lost Weight
Of course you lost weight! You’re subsisting solely on fruit juice for a week and a half — you’re lucky you’re not in a coma. It doesn’t take a dietician to know that starving yourself triggers your body to slow down its metabolism, not speed it up; meaning that while you might be losing some weight, it’s probably just water weight and, if gone on for too long, it might include your own muscle as your body eats itself in order to survive. Solid!
It turns out that the body is extremely competent at cleansing itself of toxins and harmful substances — your liver, lungs, and kidneys all include this in their daily job description. And unless you’re overloading it with pure garbage like trans fats, heavily processed sugars, caffeine, alcohol, and other stuff that we know is bad for us but we tend to eat anyway, they’re going to continue to rid you of most of those toxins.
I sense that those organs will do a better job than 10 days of lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup. (Nothing quite like subsisting on large amounts of sugar to clean out that pancreas.)
If you want to cleanse yourself, just start eating healthy. Eat greens, raw fruits and vegetables, lean meats, and limit your intake of processed foods and products — trust me: you don’t need a laxative if you eat the right natural foods (see: prunes).
That’s it. That’s the secret.
Most likely if you’re feeling good during/after the Master Cleanse, it’s not because of what you’re putting into your body; it’s what you’re not.